Wicka, Wicka, What???

There are two types of bad movies.

1) Bad movies that are so bad that, in their own special way, are actually kind of good.  Examples include Road House, The Fifth Element, Snakes On A Plane, Showgirls and Sharktapus (or any other SyFy made-for-TV movie).

2) Bad movies that are so bad that they are very, very bad.  Examples include any movie starring Lindsay Lohan not named Mean Girls and any movie starring Nicolas Cage made after 1998.

I'm not quite sure what happened to Nicolas Cage.  In 1995, he won the Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas.  This was followed by the trifecta of  great movies and box office hits The Rock, Con Air and Face/Off. 

And then it all went downhill. Over the last 15 years, with the exception of National Treasure, Nicolas Cage has starred in such box office bombs as 8MM, Snake Eyes, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Windtalkers, Ghost Rider, Knowing, Grindhouse, Bangkok Dangerous.....

But, after this past weekend, I can now say that I have seen what is without a doubt the worst one of all:

 The movie tagline reads: Be Careful What You Search For.

And boy were they not kidding.

I don't know if I have the vocabulary to accurately reflect how awful this movie is.  But, thanks to the magic of YouTube, I can show it.

Nicolas Cage Extreme Over-Acting?



Check.

Not bad enough?  Well then how about



Your eyes????  What about our ears!!!! Aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhh.

Academy Award Worthy Dialogue?



Got that?  Me either.


And, of course, this clip.  The most random 42 seconds in the history of recorded cinema:



Ka-Pow!!

Nicols Cage prancing around the woods in a bear costume.  A really confused grandmother dressed as Braveheart standing around in the background. And then  Nic punching out a school marm.

Spoiler Alert:  In the end, the evil villagers sacrifice Nicolas Cage by trapping him in a giant wicker man and burning him alive.  Which I'm pretty sure actually makes them the good guys.

Plus, they did it on the day of tomorrow.  Or is that the day after tomorrow?  I'm still confused on that point.

So congratulations, Nic!  You can not possibly top The Wicker Man.

Wait, what's that?  You have a movie coming out later this year called Drive Angry 3D?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see about that.

Anatomy Of An A+ Science Fair Project

Do you know what’s awesome? Science. And do you know what’s even more awesome? Kids who love science. And where else better to find this than the time-honored tradition of the Elementary School Science Fair.

Recently, photobasement.com published photos of some of the greatest science fair projects from across the United States. Judging from these, I think it’s safe to say that (a) teachers don’t make nearly enough money and (b) we can all sleep much safer tonight knowing that the future is in good hands.

Thus finally reputing the long-established Push It , Push It Real Good Theorem of 1989, it’s:




Plants And Pop. Got a problem with that? Didn’t think so. Moving right along..


OMG WTF 4Rlz LOL JK BRB K?



Friend! No Foe! Wait, what was the quest…??? Spiders!!!!



So for those of you keeping score at home, that’s:

1. Man-On-Man = AIDS
2. Woman-On-Woman = AIDS
3.Man-On- Woman= NO AIDS
4.Bi 3-Way = AIDS
5.Man-On- Horse = NO AI…..wait, what?!?!?!

The Tour Of The Future. With Your Tour Guides, The Children Of The Corn


Sadly, no. But they do have a surprisingly lenient equestrian policy…..

My science fair project probably looked something like this:


Conclusion: They could all learn to co-exist peacefully on the Malibu Dream Death Star.

But sadly, I could never muster this kid’s amazing pimp-back swagger at such an early age. Or ever.

Hey look, it’s Ron Burgandy!





Please, please don’t let that be a BAMA hoodie under that jacket….


If anyone knows what Moon Babies are, please let me know.


When your sweater has both hand-stitched helicopters AND motorcycles on it, you can get away with a text-only presentation.

The Most Surprising Conclusion Award Went To:


While The Short And To The Point Award Went To:


And Obviously Incorrect


Overweight? Check. Pasty White Skin. Check. Skull On Black Sweatshirt? Check. Vacant, Dead Eye Stare? Check. Nope, video games have no effect what-so-ever.

And The Grand Prize Winner:


If your mom has horniness coming out of her feet, you probably have bigger problems to worry about than making a science fair project.

And bonus points to anyone who can diagram that last sentence.

25 Randomly Random Things About Me

I think I'm about four weeks past this being the cool online thing to do, but here we go:

1. If I could go on any reality show competition, I would go on Survivor. But I think that I would be the most successful on The Apprentice. Or So You Think You Can Dance?.

2. If I could go on any game show, I used to say Double Dare. But now that I’m on the wrong side of 30, the thought of scaling up chocolate syrup slides in order to fish my hand up a giant paper mache’ nostril in search of a hidden flag, all under 30 seconds, has lost most of its luster. So I would now go with The Price Is Right. But I’d probably get stuck playing one of the lame games like “Pick The Last Two Numbers In The Price Of The Car!” and not one of the good ones like Plinko or the one where you make the mountain climber fall off the cliff.

3. I have a tendency to blurt out “That’s What She Said!” at inappropriate (yet extremely opportune) times. It will one day get me either beat up or fired.

4. Although I’ve said it 3 years in a row, THIS is the year that I will finally get a dog. And name him Jack Bauer.

5. I only want to eat Chick-Fil-A on Sundays.

6. My Myers-Briggs Personality Profile is INTJ, which is less than 1% of the U.S. population but describes me perfectly.

7. It takes me a while to adapt to technology. I had the same cell phone from 1999 to 2006 (R.I.P. Old Blue Cell Phone), did not make the cassette player to iPod upgrade until late 2005 and just signed up for XM Radio three months ago. Still going strong? My 14” TV/VCR Combo high school graduation gift that I still use to record television shows. DVR What?

8. I was almost named Chip. And then Ralph. Thankfully cooler heads eventually prevailed.

9. I can recite Goonies, A Christmas Story and Clue: The Movie word-for-word.

10. Spending all four of my formative college years at the same apartment complex will always and forever be my very own Melrose Place.

11. My favorite song is Modern English’s “I Melt With You;” my favorite music video is a-Ha’s “Take On Me.”

12. I have an (ir)rational fear that a zombie outbreak could actually happen.

13. The top three signs that helped me to realize that I am now an official adult were that I (a) found myself actually driving with hands in the “10 & 2 Position” on the steering wheel, (b) learned that I had become too old to apply to be on The Real World and (c) began to no longer recognize the musical guests on Saturday Night Live.

14. It takes me until at least mid-March to put the correct year when writing checks.

15. If I had any musical talent whatsoever, I would form a cover band named The Three Minute Warning that only played punk/ska versions of popular songs, each in three minutes or less. But instead, I consider it a good night just to make it past the Easy Level on Rock Band.

16. One summer, while working for the family car dealership, they sold my very own car while I was off running errands in town.

17. Batman has his Joker, Seinfeld has his Newman and I have the Pelham/Alabaster home-school community.

18. Looking back on college, being involved in way too many campus activities taught me a lot more about working in the real world than the actual four years of school.

19. My best ideas usually come while running on a treadmill or after 2 and ½ adult beverages.

20. I cook a lot. I had to learn how early in college after realizing that all Hamburger Helpers taste exactly the same after eating them three weeks in a row.

21. Although I watch entirely way too much television that should possibly be considered healthy for any one individual, I have never watched an entire episode of Everybody Loves Raymond or any of the CSI and Law & Orders.

22. I think iTunes should have a feature where you can give your downloaded songs back for a 25-cent credit; I’ve purchased way too many songs that are now in a What The Hell Was I Thinking? folder on my computer.

23. I would have had at least a .2 or .3 higher GPA in college if James Bond Week on TBS had not coincided with Finals Week every December for three years. Moonraker will always win out over Molecular Biology.

24. When listening to music, I have the habit of physically interpreting the lyrics with my hands as if I'm performing a primitive kabuki pantomime before an imaginary audience of deaf people.

25. I did not vote in the 2004 Presidential Election just to see if there was any truth behind P Diddy and mTV's "Vote Or Die!" Campaign. There was not.

Don't Let Wachovia Walk All Ovah Yah

It's not me, Wachovia. It's you. We're done. As the great philosopher Popeye once said, "That's all I can stanz, an' I can't stanz no more."

If we're being completely honest, I haven't been happy ever since you replaced my beloved SouthTrust. However, I was too lazy to go through the hassle of bailing on this relationship.

Our troubles began a few months ago when I re-ordered checks. After a week and a half, they still hadn't arrived in my mailbox. Calling to check on the status, I was told that they had, in fact, been delivered to my address. My college address. My address eight years ago. My address four addresses ago. You did not really seem to share my concern that you had just mailed an entire box of blank checks with my name on them to God only knows who, now living in that apartment. As a result, I had to cancel my account and start a new one from scratch.

Then, you backed out of your initial promise of FREE overdraft protection of transferring money from my savings account to my checking account on the very frequent, errrrr.....very rare occasion that I ran my checking account dry. You now charge $35 a pop.

And now we come to today. While balancing my checkbook, I noticed I had misplaced a couple debit card receipts. No big deal. I would just call your 1-800-automated system and get my correct balance. And that's where my misadventures began.

First of all, you answered in Spanish, not English. I know I live in Hoover, but still.

The, you don't want me to punch in my account number into the telephone; instead, you prompt me to say it out loud. Even though I am alone in my house, I feel like an absolute idiot. Upon saying my account number aloud to no one in particular and getting logged in, our conversation went something like this:

Me: Checking Account

You: Would You Like To Check On An Existing Account?

Me: Yes, Current Account

You: Would You Like The Current Interest Rates?

Me: No, Recent Checking Account Transactions, Please (I actually said please. To a computer!)

You: Would You Like To Transfer Accounts?

Me: $%@#$^#%^#

Wachovia, you are the telephone equivalent of a Choose Your Own Adventure Book. One where there's no possible happy ending. You then made me do the International Sign of Really Pissed Off and press "0" over and over again in hopes of reaching an actual human being. Instead, I got a gentle guitar melody with a voiceover:

"Thank you for calling Wachovia, ranked #1 six years running in overall customer satisfaction. Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly "

That made me feel somewhat better. Until you repeated yourself 23 times over 15 minutes. I think you really should switch things up to something like this:

Voiceover #5: Still with us? FANTASTIC! A customer service rep will be with you soon.

Voiceover #11: Customer Service Rep #389 just went to the bathroom. As soon as he gets back, you're next!

Voiceover #17: Okay look, here's the deal. That Voted #1 In Customer Satisfaction is Complete Bull. You know we suck. And we know we suck. Let's just agree on that and go from there. Goodbye.

And so that's it, Wachovia, we're done. I'm not sure where I'm going next. I would say your arch enemy Regions, but I've yet to figure our what green bicycles have to do with banking.

This Blog's Going To The Dogs

I have recently come to the realization that I'm missing something in my life: a dog. Over the last few months, I've thought about it a lot, but talked myself out of it every time. But now that a new year is almost here, I'm feeling that the time is right.

And while I have no clue exactly what type of dog I want, I do know that his name will be Jack Bower and that I'm going to paint CTU on the front of his dog house (24 fans, holla).

In trying to decide what kind of dog I want, I've been searching the Humane Society's webpage. I'm not sure how, but in doing so and clicking on various links on the page, I have also stumbled across web pages of dogs dressed in Halloween costumes. Look how cute these dogs look! You can almost see that "Please euthanize me now" look in their eyes.

Here are my favorites:

If you actually thought high school were some of the best times of your life, it probably means that this cheerleader costume would be right up your alley. It probably also means that we were not friends in high school.

If you don't like your dog, and wish it to be killed by larger, homophobic dogs, this dancer costume should do the trick.

If you want your dog to be completely invisible to cars at night, this Batman costume should do nicely.

If George Lucas hasn't ruined Star Wars enough for you with Episodes 1 - 3, Darth Doggy oughta do it.

If your dog actually prefers being chained up in the backyard, then this leather hat is definitely the way to go.

If your dog is always running away from home or the neighbors just use him for cheap labor, then you can't go wrong with the Mexican ensemble.

If your dog spins around in circles chasing her tail, reminding you of Linda Carter's transformation into Wonder Woman, then you will love this costume. You'll love laughing at your wacky dog, who likes to chase her tail. You'll think: "She looks just like Wonder Woman! That's just so funny! And people really like me." But they don't. Sorry.

Wherever you are, Jack Bower, rest easy knowing that (a) I am on my way and (b) I will never do this to you.

An Inconvenient Truth About Wal-Mart

I hate Wal-Mart. I will actually make an effort to go to four separate stores and pay more money just so I don't have to spend time there. Some people refuse to shop there for grand political reasons, but I hate Wal-Mart just because it's Wal-Mart. Everything I do not like about people comes to the forefront when I go there: Rudeness. Idiocy. Lack of personal hygiene. Unattended kids. Inability to understand English. Inability to obey shopping cart right-of-way.
Tonight, however, I was near the one in Hoover, remembered that there were a couple of things that I needed to get, knew that it was Monday night so it probably wouldn't be crowded, and decided to roll the dice and go.

First, here's a tip when going to Wally World: When checking out, go to either the Automotive Center or Lawn and Garden. There is rarely a line. Tonight, unfortunately, I was thrown a curve ball as Lawn and Garden was mysteriously closed and the Automotive Care cashier had temporarily shut down in order to go make a house key for someone. Wait, scratch that: The automotive girl was trying to figure out how to get a key off of her key chain in order to go make a house key. You could have dropped an Eskimo in front of a tanning bed and they would have picked up the idea faster.
And so I went to the front of the store, where as usual, long lines awaited. Since I only had five items, I decided Self-Checkout might be my best bet. Self-Checkout is always a mixed bag, you never know who's going to be there. You might get fast, efficient people that actually know how the process works. Or you might get people that still think a microwave is too complex a machine to have in the home.
Tonight, I had three viable options in the Self-Checkout lines:

Line 1- A family with a little girl that was sitting in the cart opening all their packages and playing with the items. I knew that this was going to be a total disaster, so I passed.

Line 2- Three deaf people that had almost finished scanning their items, but were now engaged in an argument. I know you are thinking: they are deaf, how do you know they were in an argument? I knew this because they all had nasty facial expressions and an urgency to their signing. You could actually hear flesh smacking flesh.

Line 3- A women and her 5-year-old who only had about nine items. I had struck gold! Until the lady decided to let her child ring out the items. Which was a complete disaster. I don't know what this kid was thinking. Maybe he thought that when it beeped, it meant you still needed to scan the same item again four times.
By the time they were done, the little girl had constructed an interplanetary space ship and the deaf people had learned to hear. And I still hated Wal-Mart.

The War On Cultural Institution Terrorism

Every holiday season, and more importantly in the summer, cultural institutions such as zoos, botanical gardens and science museums are beseiged with a very serious threat. A threat that costs them literally thousands of dollars every year. The threat? Unsupervised children that visit daily with their schools, church, Mothers Day Out programs and other like-minded groups . These children enjoy attacking not only the building itself, but also exhibits within the building. And oftentimes employees.

How can you spot these young terrorists? It is easy. They all arrive at the same time, wearing identical t-shirts of a single primary color with white lettering identifitying which group they are associated with.

After months of careful analysis, it has been discovered that there is a direct correlation between the color of the visiting group's shirt and how either well-manered or destructive the group is going to be. It does not matter if it's Sister St. Mary's School for One-Armed Blind Orphan Girls or 50 Cent's Thug Life Wee Care Academy, if they get off the bus wearing purple shirts, shits about to go down.

Recently, the Department of Homeland Security has issued a chart for cultural institutions to more readily identify these threats:



Included is a brief categorization of each threat level:



Blue Shirt Groups are no problem at all. They have paid in advance, arrive on time and bring the exact number of people that they have made reservations for. They generally leave cafeterias and gift shops unharmed and never run inside the building.



Red Shirt Groups usually bring more children and less chaperones than they have previously agreed upon. They enjoy leaving trash behind, running throughout the building and pressing every single button in the elevator.



Green Shirt Groups believe that they own the joint. They frequently camp out where it clearly states Employees Only, make a game of stealing items valued $5 or less from gift shops and enjoy hiding when it is time to leave, causing an All Employees scavenger hunt for wayward green shirts. And their chaperones are probably less mannered than their children.

<---50 Cent's Thug Life Wee Care Academy!!

Purple Shirt Groups enjoy a buffett of sugar cane, Red Bull and crack cocaine on the bus ride over to the cultural instiution. They get off the bus with what some might call a look of wonder, youth and bewilderment, but in actuality is a pure unadulterated sugar rush high. A sugar rush high so intense that you just know that you'll have to take this child out. Purple shirt groups also enjoy causing permanent damage to beloved items within the cultural institution, such as this:



Bob The Builder's girlfriend, Wendy! Permanently disabled and forever confined to a wheelchair thanks to a group of rogue Purple Shirts. Luckily she has been a good sport about it, even managing to wave for this photo.

(p.s. An officially sanctioned NASA Wheelchair!?!?! How bad do we rock?)

So how does one combat against these children and Cultural Institutional Terrorism? One successful defense has been:



The Draw-String Child Containment Unit, a.k.a. Mesh Laundry Bag. This device can be used to confine a child, while not restricting their ability to breath.

Yet some terrorists, especially the Green and Purple Shirts, have been proven quite difficult to detain. Thus a new device has been created, the Child Wrangler 3000:




So on your next visit to your favorite cultural institution, please be on the lookout for these young terrorists and do your part to help put an end to this tragic epidemic.