This Blog's Going To The Dogs

I have recently come to the realization that I'm missing something in my life: a dog. Over the last few months, I've thought about it a lot, but talked myself out of it every time. But now that a new year is almost here, I'm feeling that the time is right.

And while I have no clue exactly what type of dog I want, I do know that his name will be Jack Bower and that I'm going to paint CTU on the front of his dog house (24 fans, holla).

In trying to decide what kind of dog I want, I've been searching the Humane Society's webpage. I'm not sure how, but in doing so and clicking on various links on the page, I have also stumbled across web pages of dogs dressed in Halloween costumes. Look how cute these dogs look! You can almost see that "Please euthanize me now" look in their eyes.

Here are my favorites:

If you actually thought high school were some of the best times of your life, it probably means that this cheerleader costume would be right up your alley. It probably also means that we were not friends in high school.

If you don't like your dog, and wish it to be killed by larger, homophobic dogs, this dancer costume should do the trick.

If you want your dog to be completely invisible to cars at night, this Batman costume should do nicely.

If George Lucas hasn't ruined Star Wars enough for you with Episodes 1 - 3, Darth Doggy oughta do it.

If your dog actually prefers being chained up in the backyard, then this leather hat is definitely the way to go.

If your dog is always running away from home or the neighbors just use him for cheap labor, then you can't go wrong with the Mexican ensemble.

If your dog spins around in circles chasing her tail, reminding you of Linda Carter's transformation into Wonder Woman, then you will love this costume. You'll love laughing at your wacky dog, who likes to chase her tail. You'll think: "She looks just like Wonder Woman! That's just so funny! And people really like me." But they don't. Sorry.

Wherever you are, Jack Bower, rest easy knowing that (a) I am on my way and (b) I will never do this to you.

An Inconvenient Truth About Wal-Mart

I hate Wal-Mart. I will actually make an effort to go to four separate stores and pay more money just so I don't have to spend time there. Some people refuse to shop there for grand political reasons, but I hate Wal-Mart just because it's Wal-Mart. Everything I do not like about people comes to the forefront when I go there: Rudeness. Idiocy. Lack of personal hygiene. Unattended kids. Inability to understand English. Inability to obey shopping cart right-of-way.
Tonight, however, I was near the one in Hoover, remembered that there were a couple of things that I needed to get, knew that it was Monday night so it probably wouldn't be crowded, and decided to roll the dice and go.

First, here's a tip when going to Wally World: When checking out, go to either the Automotive Center or Lawn and Garden. There is rarely a line. Tonight, unfortunately, I was thrown a curve ball as Lawn and Garden was mysteriously closed and the Automotive Care cashier had temporarily shut down in order to go make a house key for someone. Wait, scratch that: The automotive girl was trying to figure out how to get a key off of her key chain in order to go make a house key. You could have dropped an Eskimo in front of a tanning bed and they would have picked up the idea faster.
And so I went to the front of the store, where as usual, long lines awaited. Since I only had five items, I decided Self-Checkout might be my best bet. Self-Checkout is always a mixed bag, you never know who's going to be there. You might get fast, efficient people that actually know how the process works. Or you might get people that still think a microwave is too complex a machine to have in the home.
Tonight, I had three viable options in the Self-Checkout lines:

Line 1- A family with a little girl that was sitting in the cart opening all their packages and playing with the items. I knew that this was going to be a total disaster, so I passed.

Line 2- Three deaf people that had almost finished scanning their items, but were now engaged in an argument. I know you are thinking: they are deaf, how do you know they were in an argument? I knew this because they all had nasty facial expressions and an urgency to their signing. You could actually hear flesh smacking flesh.

Line 3- A women and her 5-year-old who only had about nine items. I had struck gold! Until the lady decided to let her child ring out the items. Which was a complete disaster. I don't know what this kid was thinking. Maybe he thought that when it beeped, it meant you still needed to scan the same item again four times.
By the time they were done, the little girl had constructed an interplanetary space ship and the deaf people had learned to hear. And I still hated Wal-Mart.

The War On Cultural Institution Terrorism

Every holiday season, and more importantly in the summer, cultural institutions such as zoos, botanical gardens and science museums are beseiged with a very serious threat. A threat that costs them literally thousands of dollars every year. The threat? Unsupervised children that visit daily with their schools, church, Mothers Day Out programs and other like-minded groups . These children enjoy attacking not only the building itself, but also exhibits within the building. And oftentimes employees.

How can you spot these young terrorists? It is easy. They all arrive at the same time, wearing identical t-shirts of a single primary color with white lettering identifitying which group they are associated with.

After months of careful analysis, it has been discovered that there is a direct correlation between the color of the visiting group's shirt and how either well-manered or destructive the group is going to be. It does not matter if it's Sister St. Mary's School for One-Armed Blind Orphan Girls or 50 Cent's Thug Life Wee Care Academy, if they get off the bus wearing purple shirts, shits about to go down.

Recently, the Department of Homeland Security has issued a chart for cultural institutions to more readily identify these threats:



Included is a brief categorization of each threat level:



Blue Shirt Groups are no problem at all. They have paid in advance, arrive on time and bring the exact number of people that they have made reservations for. They generally leave cafeterias and gift shops unharmed and never run inside the building.



Red Shirt Groups usually bring more children and less chaperones than they have previously agreed upon. They enjoy leaving trash behind, running throughout the building and pressing every single button in the elevator.



Green Shirt Groups believe that they own the joint. They frequently camp out where it clearly states Employees Only, make a game of stealing items valued $5 or less from gift shops and enjoy hiding when it is time to leave, causing an All Employees scavenger hunt for wayward green shirts. And their chaperones are probably less mannered than their children.

<---50 Cent's Thug Life Wee Care Academy!!

Purple Shirt Groups enjoy a buffett of sugar cane, Red Bull and crack cocaine on the bus ride over to the cultural instiution. They get off the bus with what some might call a look of wonder, youth and bewilderment, but in actuality is a pure unadulterated sugar rush high. A sugar rush high so intense that you just know that you'll have to take this child out. Purple shirt groups also enjoy causing permanent damage to beloved items within the cultural institution, such as this:



Bob The Builder's girlfriend, Wendy! Permanently disabled and forever confined to a wheelchair thanks to a group of rogue Purple Shirts. Luckily she has been a good sport about it, even managing to wave for this photo.

(p.s. An officially sanctioned NASA Wheelchair!?!?! How bad do we rock?)

So how does one combat against these children and Cultural Institutional Terrorism? One successful defense has been:



The Draw-String Child Containment Unit, a.k.a. Mesh Laundry Bag. This device can be used to confine a child, while not restricting their ability to breath.

Yet some terrorists, especially the Green and Purple Shirts, have been proven quite difficult to detain. Thus a new device has been created, the Child Wrangler 3000:




So on your next visit to your favorite cultural institution, please be on the lookout for these young terrorists and do your part to help put an end to this tragic epidemic.

My Geriatric Jihad Gymboree

Over two years ago, when I decided to save a few dollars by joining my community recreation center instead of Gold's Gym, SportsFirst or The Y, I knew that in all likelihood, I was giving up traveling with this jet set:



For this one:



And that, while running on the treadmill everyday, when I turned my head I was probably saying goodbye to this:



And hello to this:



But never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that, every time, I would turn my head to see this:



For at my community recreation center, I am the youngest member. By 25 years. At least. Every time I go, I have the feeling that I have inadvertently stumbled onto the set of a 2008 remake of:



But instead of the friendly Wilford Brimley Oatmeal Commercial/Driving Ms. Daisey variety, these senior citizens are mean. And rude. And think they are above the law. Before you think I'm just a jackass, please consider:

1) The Dry Erase Sign-Up Board, a.k.a. The Holy Sacrament Of Any Self-Respecting Gym. For on this board, each piece of workout equipment has been individually numbered and broken into 30 minute time increments. Ideally, you write your initials in a slot, thus claiming both the piece of equipment and when you will be using; thus staking your claim. People plan their entire daily schedules around this unspoken rule. But in Beyond RetirementDome, there are no rules. Dry Erase Sign-Up Boards are merely a suggestion.


2)

Disinfectant wipes to clean off your piece of equipment after you have used it. These wipes are (a) sanitary and (b) completely free. Use them! No one wants to touch treadmill buttons that have been slowly marinated in old people juice.

3) The greatest offense of all. For an entire room of people working out, there are only three televisions to watch. And every time I have been there, all three have been set on:

,

,

and



Come on! At least give one up so that I can watch something more exciting like Bravo ESPN.


Thus, today I have vowed Geriatric Jihad on my community recreation center in effort to claim it for us young uns. Aged 30 to 45. So this means war, you:

Crazy? Or Crazy As A Fox? Either Way, I'm All In.

If you were to ask me to name my Top 3 Favorite Fictional Mayors Of All Time, I would have to say:



3. The Mayor From South Park



2. Mayor McCheese

and



1. Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford

While some might argue that Mayor Langford is, in fact, a real mayor, I have it on good authority that he is actually the secret lovechild between:

Isaac From The Love Boat

and Scrooge McDuck

He comes in at Number 1 because, whenever I feel the need to turn my frown upside down, I know that I can turn to The Birmingham News, Birmingham Weekly, or al.com and find a story about his latest hijinks that will cheer me up immediately.

And now he's gone and gotten himself indicted on conspiracy to commit fraud charges! Now who will entertain me?!?!? For what reason will I have to actually read ever again??

Let's play a game: Which of the following recent news stories about Mayor Langford is actually true:

(A) Mayor Langford Unveils Blueprints For A New Birmingham Police And Jail Headquarters. And Then Holds Up A Picture Of The United States Pentagon

(B) Mayor Langford Urges Community Leaders To Come Together As One At A Prayer Summit. And Wear Burlap Sacks As A Sign Of Repentance

(C) Because Of The Recent Gas Crisis, Mayor Langford Contemplates Stopping The Birmingham Postal Service From Delivering Mail On Saturdays. Even Through The Postal Service Is A Federal Agency

(D) A Charity Created By Mayor Langford Several Years Ago To Provide Free Laptop Computers For Every Child In Birmingham Comes Under Suspicion When Its Funds Are Found To Have Paid For Credit Card Bills, Casino ATM Charges. And A Salary For The Organization's IT Consultant- A Former Gay Porn Star

(E) Mayor Langford Arrives To Deliver The City's Budget Plan To Business Leaders. Surround By Two Armed Security Guards And An Ominous Red Envelope Marked "Top Secret"

Give up? The answer is (F) All Of The Above

And while each of these are awesome in their own right, my favorite by far has been:

Mayor Langford To Put In Bid For Birmingham, Alabama To Host The Summer Olympic Games Of 2020

This is my favorite because, if I can be completely honest here , I think we might actually have a shot.

Don't believe me? Let's go to The Tale Of The Tape between this year's Summer Olympic Games host, Beijing, China, and our hometown.

This year's opening ceremony was watched by billions worldwide at Beijing's:



The National Stadium, a.ka. "The Nest"

What we bring to the table:



Legion Field, a.k.a. "It's Still There?"

Which conveniantly still has the Official Olympic Seal from hosting a random soccer game from the 1996 Games in Atlanta



For basketball, Beijing has



The Beijing Basketball Arena

We host all of our high profile basketball games at:



The Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center

For gymnastics, Beijing offers



The luxurious Beijing University Of Technology Gymnasium

While the latest gymnastic meet held in Birmingham was at



UAB's Bartow Arena

For all rowing and canoeing Olympic events in Beijing, this year's athletes turned to



The Huny Yi Olympic Rowing-Canoeing Park. Which, coincidently, can also be calibrated to host



Extreme Kayaking!!!

Birmingham's counter-part:



The Cahaba River

And for all swimming, diving, and individual water-related events, Beijing built a state-of-the art natatorium called The National Aquatic Center



a.k.a. The Water Cube



Although I thought they might have us beat on this one, I immediately realized that all of these events could easily be held at



Which, if we all recall, was the brainchild and made possible by Mayor Langford over 12 years ago.

Coincidence? I think not.

Plus, our 2020 Olympic Mascot practically writes itself:

So please, Justice Department, let's just let the Mayor slide on all of this conspiracy brew-ha-ha and let him get back to work. For all of our sakes.