If you were to ask me to name my Top 3 Favorite Fictional Mayors Of All Time, I would have to say:
3. The Mayor From South Park
2. Mayor McCheese
and
1. Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford
While some might argue that Mayor Langford is, in fact, a real mayor, I have it on good authority that he is actually the secret lovechild between:
Isaac From The Love Boat
and Scrooge McDuck
He comes in at Number 1 because, whenever I feel the need to turn my frown upside down, I know that I can turn to The Birmingham News, Birmingham Weekly, or al.com and find a story about his latest hijinks that will cheer me up immediately.
And now he's gone and gotten himself indicted on conspiracy to commit fraud charges! Now who will entertain me?!?!? For what reason will I have to actually read ever again??
Let's play a game: Which of the following recent news stories about Mayor Langford is actually true:
(A) Mayor Langford Unveils Blueprints For A New Birmingham Police And Jail Headquarters. And Then Holds Up A Picture Of The United States Pentagon
(B) Mayor Langford Urges Community Leaders To Come Together As One At A Prayer Summit. And Wear Burlap Sacks As A Sign Of Repentance
(C) Because Of The Recent Gas Crisis, Mayor Langford Contemplates Stopping The Birmingham Postal Service From Delivering Mail On Saturdays. Even Through The Postal Service Is A Federal Agency
(D) A Charity Created By Mayor Langford Several Years Ago To Provide Free Laptop Computers For Every Child In Birmingham Comes Under Suspicion When Its Funds Are Found To Have Paid For Credit Card Bills, Casino ATM Charges. And A Salary For The Organization's IT Consultant- A Former Gay Porn Star
(E) Mayor Langford Arrives To Deliver The City's Budget Plan To Business Leaders. Surround By Two Armed Security Guards And An Ominous Red Envelope Marked "Top Secret"
Give up? The answer is (F) All Of The Above
And while each of these are awesome in their own right, my favorite by far has been:
Mayor Langford To Put In Bid For Birmingham, Alabama To Host The Summer Olympic Games Of 2020
This is my favorite because, if I can be completely honest here , I think we might actually have a shot.
Don't believe me? Let's go to The Tale Of The Tape between this year's Summer Olympic Games host, Beijing, China, and our hometown.
This year's opening ceremony was watched by billions worldwide at Beijing's:
The National Stadium, a.ka. "The Nest"
What we bring to the table:
Legion Field, a.k.a. "It's Still There?"
Which conveniantly still has the Official Olympic Seal from hosting a random soccer game from the 1996 Games in Atlanta
For basketball, Beijing has
The Beijing Basketball Arena
We host all of our high profile basketball games at:
The Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center
For gymnastics, Beijing offers
The luxurious Beijing University Of Technology Gymnasium
While the latest gymnastic meet held in Birmingham was at
UAB's Bartow Arena
For all rowing and canoeing Olympic events in Beijing, this year's athletes turned to
The Huny Yi Olympic Rowing-Canoeing Park. Which, coincidently, can also be calibrated to host
Extreme Kayaking!!!
Birmingham's counter-part:
The Cahaba River
And for all swimming, diving, and individual water-related events, Beijing built a state-of-the art natatorium called The National Aquatic Center
a.k.a. The Water Cube
Although I thought they might have us beat on this one, I immediately realized that all of these events could easily be held at
Which, if we all recall, was the brainchild and made possible by Mayor Langford over 12 years ago.
Coincidence? I think not.
Plus, our 2020 Olympic Mascot practically writes itself:
So please, Justice Department, let's just let the Mayor slide on all of this conspiracy brew-ha-ha and let him get back to work. For all of our sakes.
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